Elvis

Once upon a time I won an Elvis impersonation contest. My Elvis doesn't sound like Elvis. It sounds like someone impersonating someone impersonating Elvis. I don't look like Elvis. I have red hair and a beard. I can curl my lip, though. So why did I win this contest? Simple. I shook my hips for the old ladies.

Why am I mentioning this now? Well, the student government of my college is hosting its own version of The Gong Show. I, as a participatory student, volunteered to be judge. I couldn't compete because I know I don't have any talent, unlike the performers in this show. Instead, I will be a judge of talent.
For the show, my fellow judges and I were given Elvis outfits. We have Black Elvis, Female Elvis, Short Elvis, and me as Fat Elvis. Now, I'm not that fat, but someone has to play the part. I will shake my hips. I will put a little sway and a little swagger into it.
Who knows; maybe I'll get some panties thrown at me.
Hopefully not old lady panties.