Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Help low-income kids get books!

Get Out The Vote! University of Idaho



By clicking that little link, you will help my school compete to win $1000 worth of books to distribute to low-income kids. if youknow me, you know I don't support charities lightly. But this is about books and kids who need them.

DO THIS!

Halloween

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

The following is an account of my weekend. An abridged version appears in today's Argonaut under the headline "The Longest Halloween Ever"

The Long Halloween by T.J. Tranchell
Argonaut
This weekend was a lot like that Ministry song “Everyday is Halloween.” With the actual holiday being on Tuesday, much of the activity around town happened Friday and Saturday. That is the bad news. The good news is that there are still a few things to do today.
This Halloween began on Oct. 20 by driving the 13.5 miles to see the Haunted Palouse. It is a rare wonder to see a cornfield on Main Street in any town. Those who want to make the drive are in luck because Haunted Palouse will be open Halloween night. With a few nights under their belts, the attractions should be better than opening night. The museum section is fabulous and puts the Old Fire House and Corn Maze sections to shame. I’m hoping they got better, anyway. Otherwise, what good am I at Halloween consulting?
Good enough to help out with a local “home haunt.”
I only planned to pass along a few tips to Eric Conte, a food science major and pirate paraphernalia collector. His enthusiasm for his “Moscow Massacre” was infectious. I signed on a week before the gig.
Between Sunday and Friday, lots of time was spent costume shopping. The most popular costume this year is the Pirate, which means Conte is ahead of the game. Specifically popular is anything related to “Pirates of the Caribbean.” Pirate costumes flew off the racks at Wal-Mart. One poor mother had to convince her son to be Superman when all the good pirate costumes were gone.
Sun Rentals did a brisk business in pirate gear, too. When the previous “Superman” movies were released Superman was one of the best costumes. If it wasn’t for Johnny Depp we would be seeing more red capes around today.
I made a stop at Hot Topic, too, just to see if they were sick of the people who only shop their once a year. It was rather busy so I didn’t hear any complaining.
Thursday night brought me to the Sigma Tau Delta Halloween Poetry reading. We had some good Poe readings highlighted by faculty advisor Walter Hesford’s rendition of “City by the Sea.”
All six people there, including myself, hoped for a bigger turn out. Then again, if more people had shown up, I might not have won the pumpkin full of candy for my own original poems.
Friday marked the first night of the “Moscow Massacre” and the first round of major partying. We couldn’t get a chainsaw so I had to improvise.
Let me tell you about chainsaws. They are crude and lack subtlety. Chainsaws should be the last resort, not the first. And if you see someone carrying a chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask, you have my permission to mock them and tell them to watch a “Friday the 13th” movie to see how often Jason Voorhees wields a chainsaw. Answer: NEVER!
Isn’t it scarier to have someone chasing you while scraping knives together? I thought so and that is what I did. It worked. One woman ended up in the bushes and more ran screaming back inside the house.
If you came to the house and we made you scream, good. If you didn’t scream or weren’t scared at all, it only cost you a dollar so quit complaining.
Maybe we helped teach a few people to watch behind them. The screaming isn’t over until I say it.
“Moscow Massacre” should be back next year, just in case you missed it.
Friday and Saturday were great nights for parties. The Knightmare on Lambda Street on Friday, the Moscow Social Club’s Costume Party Saturday night, and the Garden Lounge’s Twilight Zone where just a few.
The Twilight Zone accentuated another feature of the weekend: the fall back to standard time from daylight savings. An extra hour to drink! Or an extra hour to sleep, if you aren’t the partying type. It is like a tax return. Here is this hour we took from you earlier in the year. You can have it back now. We don’t it.
Until March, that is.
There were trick-or-treaters out Friday and Saturday, too. Many went to the “Tower of Terror” at Theophilus Tower. I wonder how many of them know that the second floor is supposedly haunted. (Argonaut Oct. 13, 2000.)
I don’t have a problem with going to an event. I do have a problem with door-to-door trick-or-treating on days other than Halloween.
As essayist David Sedaris said, “Asking for candy on Halloween is called trick-or-treating; asking for candy on November first is begging.”
I’m also bothered by “trunk-or-treating,” also. Have you seen this? A bunch of people take over a parking lot and decorate their trunks. The trunks are supposedly filled with candy. What kind of fun is this? Getting into costume and walking around for less than a block? Candy should be a reward for a child’s hard work in costuming and trudging their parents around throughout the neighborhood.
Call me a Halloween purist, but if you don’t knock on my door on Oct. 31 don’t expect anything from me.
I did notice a good crowd for the showing of “Poltergeist” Saturday night at the Kenworthy. I love seeing who screams the most during the clown attack. I’m not afraid of clowns, but I know a lot of people who are. Even something that looks like a clown scares them.
I saved my movie money to watch “Saw III.” I suggest going to see it, if you don’t mind blood. A little torture never hurt anyone.
Sunday and Monday might seem like they should be days off (party recovery days for many of us) but even then Halloween still occupied the time of a few brave souls.
Pumpkin carving, which many people still do, is one of the oddest traditions. You know your pumpkin is going to be smashed by someone. Yet we still put forth the effort. Every year I say my pumpkin will be better than last year. It never is.
As such, I stayed out the pumpkin carving contest held on the Commons Plaza Lawn Sunday and Monday.
I painted a pumpkin instead. Less mess and harder to smash. That and I didn’t have to endure the momentary hail storm Sunday afternoon.
With that activity over the weekend, don’t forget when the real holiday is. Trick-or-treating should not be limited by age. If you go out, in costume, you should be rewarded.
Don’t come to my house, though. I will be busy celebrating another aspect of Halloween: my birthday. Partying will be done and joy will be had.
If you need somewhere to go, try Tubaween, 7:00 p.m. at the Recital Hall. Go in costume.
Have a Happy Halloween, Moscow. I know I will. And if you see me waiting for the Great Pumpkin, stop by and say hi.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Weekend stuff

Two nights of chasing people with knives. What a blast. Due to myingenuity, we didn't need a chainsaw. And I'm glad. Chainsaws are too much trouble, cost too much, and are too loud. How much better is it to be able to sneak up on people and start scarping knives together? Had a good time. We pretty much doubled my expectations, getting close toa hundred visitors over two nights versus the sixty I tought might come.
All proceeds go toward partying my ass off Tuesday night.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Sure Signs of Weight Loss

I have this shirt that I love. Okay, I have a lot of shirts that I love. This one in particular is a black button up with different pictures from Frankenstein movies on it. I got it off a clearance rack at Hot Topic almost five years ago.
Over the summer, I discovered that if I poked my belly out just a little more than it poked out on its own, I could pop the buttons. Sure, it's funny, but man, what a shock. I've made fat jokes about myself for years but this was ridiculous.
I wore this shirt yesterday. All day long I waited for the buttons to come undone. They never did. I must have lost some weight.
Hooray for me!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

With apologies....

One curse of starting college late is being surrounded by younger people. NOw there are those people who are obviously older and not part of the same social atmosphere as the average university student. I'm not that old. Yes, I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20, but most people don't know it unless I tell them.

If I come off as a creepy old guy, I'm sorry. I'm not old enough to be a "dirty old man," thank goodness, but I guess it might be a little weird.

So if I walked you home today, and it made you uncomfortable to be around an older guy, I'm sorry. (This isn't my sarcastic sorry, either. This is the real deal.) Maybe I am too old to ask out sophomores. 25 is not the end of one's life. many writer's don't get published until their 30s and many don't reach their peak until their late 40s and 50s. Hell, if you are Walt WHitman, you didn't hit your peak until your 60s!

27, though. Jimi, Janis, Kurt, Tupac, Jim...I'm not going to see you anytime soon. I won't be the candle that gets snuffed out too soon. I plan on fading away and not for a very long time. And if I have someone to share that time with, all the better.

I realize that in my thumbnail profile, it says that I will explain why I am single. Perhaps the time is coming when that explanation is due. It is a long story, with no one knowing the whole thing. Some know more than others and an argument could be made that I don't even know all the reasons why. These are not the things to be brooding about so close to one's birthday.

I'm going to shut up now.

Se7en Days....

Yes, one week until Halloween. With the date being on a Tuesday, most of the good stuff is happening over the weekend. I've supplanted myself into a local "home haunt" which should be a lot of fun. The organizer is an energetic guy with some great ideas. I just stepped in and offered my help and advice. Things should go well. And if anyone who comes through doesn't like it, it is only a dollar so who cares?

In other Halloween/birthday news...The new Stephen King book came out today. I'm broke-ass (as usual) and can't buy it for myself. So if anyone was thinking of a birthday present to get me...That would be it.

The good news is that I should have a few people to hang out with on my birthday so I won't be alone.

Friday, October 20, 2006

The further adventures of T.J. and the Hell-bitch

Just in case you wondered, Hell-bitch is the cute pet name I use for the van. I borrowed it from "Lonesome Dove" in which Hellbitch (see how I slightly changed the spelling?) is the name of a horse only one man can ride and tends to bite and kick anyone else.

I haven't ridden-- excuse me-- driven the van in close to two months. School is a ten minute walk as is most everything else. And I didn't feel like spending the money required to fix it. I bought food instead. Because there were some things I wanted to do this weekend that obligated more than a brief jaunt on foot, I spent the money to finish the minor repairs. After some finnicking (it IS a word if I say it is) I was on the road. After doing what I wanted to do, the van started right back up and I was headed home. Instead of coming right home like a good boy, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items. I could buy more at once because I was driving and wouldn't have to walk home with my purchases.

And that is when the bitch reared its head.

It wouldn't start. I leave for nearly an hour and it cranks right up. I leave it for twenty minutes (in a parking lot less than ten blocks away from home) and it won't do anything. No engines noises that say, "I want to start I just need help." Just a click. I check everything, all the battery connections (root of the original problem anyway) and everything is as snug as I can make it. Stil won't go. Finally I am saved and given a jump and the Hell-bitch growled its growl and the engine fired up.

Fucking bitch. Wonder how long it will be before I drive it anywhere else?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Who is ready for another poem?

This is more befitting the season. Enjoy.

Dead Again Tomorrow

Open your eyes.
Open…your…eyes.
OPEN YOUR EYES.
Now, breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Do it again. Alive.
You are alive.
Can you move your arms?
Good. Find the zipper,
yes, right there next to your head.
A microcosm of light.
Stick your finger through,
Push down.
Don’t want to be stuck
in this bag any longer than you have to.
Soon the doctors—hope they are doctors,
not the backwoods undertakers like last time—
will cut letters into your chest.
They just have to follow the map
of scars plotted out for them.
But not this time.
Woke up still in the bag.
The black plastic cocoon you know
so well. Easy to escape from,
just push down the zipper
and out you go.
Don’t hear any voices,
as much a problem as if you did
hear talking. No voices
might mean you are in the locker,
flat on your back on a sliding tray,
heavy door blocking out any voices.
No, it isn’t cold enough.
Not in the locker.
Still on a gurney,
Shrouded in dark,
waiting for your autopsy.
Time to get out of here.
The zipper stops,
you sit up. The room is vacant
of other living bodies,
population of the dead.
Some burnt,
some bludgeoned.
Some you’d rather not think of.
Still have your pants on
But nothing else.
Have to buy new shoes again.
Pockets empty, too.
No shirt, of course.
The paramedics removed it to see
Where you were bleeding.
Won’t be shopping at any convenience
stores for a few hours.
Shit like this is why you prefer dying alone,
peacefully.
No one around to steal your stuff
or cut you open more.
If they only knew you’d been down this road before.
And every time,
River Styx spits
You back up on the shore.
You are alive now,
sure,
but you’ll be
dead
again
tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Devil's Luck

So, in the last few days (since F13) some people I know have had some terrible luck. Youngets Brother's new tattoo got infected, a player on the baseball team my other brother owns and manages killed aguy with a bat, my sister was in a car accident, and my father, well, I really don't want to get into what happened to him because it makes me hurt, physically.

My luck, on the other hand, has been on the upside. Sure, I'm broke, but on Friday I get to daye a bunch of girls and it will only cost me $3. Finally got in touch with some local haunted house people, too. And today, while eating a Snack Pack pudding, I was handed a coupon for a free medium pizza. No purchase required. How cool is that?

I only get one topping, but if anyone ever catches me complaining about free, you have my permission to kick me.

Monday, October 16, 2006

My Perfect Job

I've decided what my perfect job is: Independent Haunted House Consultant. There's that question, right, about what you would do if you had a million dollars and what ever you answer that's what you should do with your life. If I had a million dollars, I would build the most kick-ass scariest haunted house in the world. I have proof, even, that other people want me to do this job.

After working for a year in the Mortuary, I spent the next two years telling the operators what was good and what wasn't. And they always asked first.

Early this month, a cousin of mine called me for suggestions on a haunted forest attraction he is overseeing this year. I think I gave him twohours worth of advice. What do you think I should charge for something like that?

Today really sealed the deal. For my newspaper, I am writing a review of the only major haunted house in the area. While talking to the event organizer, my own experience came up. I was invited to participate but had to turn her down due to time constraints. Then, I was invited to check out their show for free and then go back through and give comments where I deem valuable. See? Independent Consultant.

I hear those guys make shitloads of money, too. I will do it for much cheaper, but I get to go all the shows for free and I get candy. Sounds fair to me.

15 days until Halloween.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Friday the 13th and more

How lucky is this? I only had one class today. My poetry class in the morning was fine. I knew I wouldn't have Brit Lit this afternoon because the prof has been hunting all week. Upon checking my email this morning, I discovered that my Non Fiction teacher has decided we needed a day off. Isn't that great? Sure it is. The bummer part is that I have an interview to conduct at 1 pm, otheriwse I would be home now, alternating between sleeping and working on my book.

Speaking of the book, I've been in th emood the last few days to drop everything and fully concentrate on the book. I'm so close to finishing that I just want it done. And as soon as I finish this one, I can start on the next one. I already have a couple ideas I'm toying with. One would be a haunted house book and the other would be...something else entirely. We shall see what we shall see.

Anyway, have a happy Friday the 13th!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Feel like an ass

Ever have one of those moments when you just totally feel like an ass? I had one today.
I'm writing a piece on Fridaythe 13th and superstition in general. The concept is "13 Views on Friday the 13th." Coole, eh? Well I though it would be cool to talk to the football and soccer players that wear #13. First one I talked to was the soccer player, a sophomore who looks like she's 14. Turns out she was injured in a game this past Sunday. And here I come, "So do you think wearing 13 is bad luck?"
Sometimes, I wonder just what the hell I'm doing.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Break Out Issue

So I've been writing for the Argonaut, the UI student paper, since I got here. Today's issue can be considered my real break out issue. I have four different articles in today's paper. Three in my usual arts section and one on the sports page. If everything goes right (which it is looking to do) I will have a regular column in the sports section. Included will be my vast knowledge of sports and general trivia, cultural references, and, with out a doubt, my smart ass attitude.
Have look and let me know what you think.
www.argonaut.uidaho.edu or www.uiargonaut.com
Enjoy!